05-09-06

Anger is the result of a situation where one feels they lack control. So I question my anger. Anger that was, anger that is. Anger can be easily trasformed into hate. So I question my hate. The hate directed out that inevitably bounces back in. Where do I lack control? What powerlessness has me wilting?

It is the action of at least one person I recognize. I've felt helpless around my co-therapist. The inmates I can master, I can guide. But why oh why, must I day after day feel trapped trying to undo her poor role modeling, her thinking errors. I have enough to deal with my clients. Being the responsible one can grind. I'm always so responsible. I take such care in my presentation of self, of service when I work. When others in authority are sloppy, I am genuinely disgruntled, genuinely hurt. I feel I have to work even harder to let so many misdirected men know there can be a better world.

I can't control her and she is bitter to accept guidance. The same guidance she expects others to accept from her. I feel she is abusive in a way. Emotionally abusive. The kind that is direct and on point one day and chaotic and poorly presented the next. It's not knowing what to trust. The lack of consistency. A beast with selfish agendas that overly focuses on the negative and is shaming then becomes an overly sympathic mother. We don't even talk on a regular basis. She is late all the time (role modeling) she makes crass comments (role modeling) she makes fun of others weaknesses (role modeling) she is disruptive in group (role modeling). How can I correct the guys for their behavior when she is the instigator. So I have to let it go. I have to say nothing or else I would be correcting her in front of the group which isn't professionally appropriate. Okay that's enough. You know what I really hate. Giving her the time of my emotions.

Make sure each footprint leaves seeds
to grow for others to enjoy
even if you are no longer there to see them


Always leave flowers under footsteps for others
never leave shards of glass
what we leave behind is important
and I am planting gardens as best I can

05-03-06

A hate rises in me in angles
That cut the surface just prior to it’s exit
And it is cloaked
Unrecognizable
I don’t know where it comes from
What it looks like
Or why it is there
So I try to poison it with alcohol
Or turn numb to avoid the pain
It doesn’t work
What is unknown is haunting
And I’ve become a ghost in my days


Who is going to cover my weaknesses when they start to appear
Who is going to rescue me from myself when I let my thoughts drown me
Who is my angel that serves to protect and guide


Lost and drowned in the words of others
My voice a faded whisper that no one hears
But do they feel it?
Does it somehow caress past an open mouth
And sneak in through an open pore
The one pore left that hasn’t been closed off
For fear of a fearful world

04-26-06

I suppose I have been repressing a lot. Just biding and going through motions that I really no longer understand. So I may be easily triggered by nonsense, or my perception of such. I was realizing how much I don’t know and don’t bother to read or research even though the information is literally at my finger tips. I had resource emails for sex ed in my inbox for several months now and just decided to read them. I decided it may be a good idea to research this sex ed stuff more, go to a network meeting and see what is going on in the world. I think I would like to do sex ed as a side job. I’m not sure how it would fit in with NKHS but I could figure that out. Perhaps it will be a service they provide and I could start doing.

So. It ‘s best that I continue to focus on all that I truly am. Stop hiding, avoiding repressing. Embrace my moments and my days. Be amazing and full of glory. The future is always an amazing place to travel into.