I was questioned the other day about my thoughts regarding the difficulty of the GRE. I mentioned without a flinch that I kicked ass on the math and analytical parts, but suffered dearly on the verbal. I proceeded still unhindered to say I should have pursued my math side, perhaps engineering or something and I would be making a lot more money. I continued as though I had no options writing, "humanitarians are shit on". *click* and send.

These thoughts have crossed my mind often as people quiver over a fear of socialism, boycott shopping for christmas and start reading books on growing their own food. We definitely live in a society where worth is measured by the size of your pay check. If you make LOTS of money, you must be working hard and have made good choices in life. If you don't make lots of money, well, it's your own fault for not working hard enough or making choices that didn't land you in those top/high paying positions.

.....as people quiver over the fear of socialism. I don't measure worth that way and never have. I've always admired intensely the work of a laboreror, as without his/her hands and muscles, what would we have really? Those people who show up to dunkin donuts every morning at 3am so they can have all your coffee and donuts ready for when drive your lincoln to the bank. Those AMAZING people that work the all night shift at a gas station. The people who clean up the streets, who plow our snowy roads, who trim back the trees, who put roofs on our houses, who help us pick up and move so many heavy things......

Many of these people do this work, long days, for years and years just scraping by. Why? We NEED them. I believe anyone willing to put in the hours and effort of work deserve to do well for themselves. The deserve to be able to buy a nice house, land, vacation every year and go to a salon to get their hair done if they choose.

I do write this with some bitter taste. As I am one of those who DID go to college, who DID receive a master's degree, who DOES work hard and in fact works TWO jobs and extra hours when I can and REALITY... I have to plan for all my pennies and do without. Why is MY worth measured so poorly? Humanitarians are shit on. Some where along the way it was decided by others that my profession isn't worth much. See, I could have been an engineer! My brother is and he makes 4 times the money as me. I have no savings or retirement plans, plenty of debt and really, really can't see affording going back to school as I'm still (10 years later) paying for my last education. Funny how colleges do seem to put the same worth on all paths.

I don't fear socialism. But I do fear people isolating in absurd wealth.

oh what a feeling

The 15 year old girl who first says she wants counseling. Then I find out later, that two weeks in she didn't want to go anymore. Her dad was forcing the issue for awhile till he gave up, calling to say she would no longer be in. I told him I would check back in two weeks to see if that is still what she decided.

So I called, as I promised and this time got to speak to the girl. I now learn that she says she may want another counselor. This is one of those moments of illusionary reflection as you replay your experience with her trying to find the signal that it wasn't working. I'm a professional, so I ask. "Sure we could find another counselor, but what is it you would need in a counselor so we can find the right match." She describes wanting to talk about "whatever", no planned topics, playing games, walking around, no pressure to talk about things. Well, okay, I can do that...it's not really therapy, but I'm also well trained in being a mentor, or big sister soooo..... I tell her, "it sounds sort of like what we were doing", and I could certainly support her even more in that style if it is what she would like. She agrees to come in next week.

And now, this strange feeling. Did I do something wrong? Have I just coerced her to continue in therapy....I certainly didn't mean to. I hope she doesn't think I was pushy..it's an awkward situation for both of us. I really hope she does make it in next week so we can discuss this more....or not...she will control the conversation....It feels weird to be "fired" from a client when you think everything is going well. But I suppose in the long run it can feel even better if we work this out and she gets what she needs by coming in. I do think that can happen. Some people really want to "work" in therapy. They want direction, assignments, bold statements. Others don't. She was sexually abused as a younger child. She wants control back. I can do that for her. It will feel weird, until it doesn't anymore. I'll probably dismiss it by tomorrow, then re-think of it only as the time approached for her to arrive next week. She is a bold 15 year old girl. Doing the absolute right thing by asking for what she wants. If only I was so bold at 15.

A very challenging client in a group just graduated last night! Phewww! I didn't realize until group was over how much emotional space he took up. He had perfect attendance, so we have not had a break since he first arrived. I found myself saying things like, "well now that ** is gone, I can finally confront ###(other client) with ______." I didn't mean to say those things, but it kept coming out again and again as a co-facilitator and I were discussing the progress and needs of other groups members. Suddenly I realized so much of my emotional energy was on just maintaining the group with his presence, that I wasn't able to use energy to progess the group.....phewww.

I'm very curious of how this group may look different now and feel different. Groups are such living, breathing creatures. Each one is different as the recipe of the participants create the life. It is constant learning and adjusting on the part of the facilitators, but luckily for me, I believe it is one of my strong points. Well, now that ** is gone, I can finally #####....phew!