05-09-06

Anger is the result of a situation where one feels they lack control. So I question my anger. Anger that was, anger that is. Anger can be easily trasformed into hate. So I question my hate. The hate directed out that inevitably bounces back in. Where do I lack control? What powerlessness has me wilting?

It is the action of at least one person I recognize. I've felt helpless around my co-therapist. The inmates I can master, I can guide. But why oh why, must I day after day feel trapped trying to undo her poor role modeling, her thinking errors. I have enough to deal with my clients. Being the responsible one can grind. I'm always so responsible. I take such care in my presentation of self, of service when I work. When others in authority are sloppy, I am genuinely disgruntled, genuinely hurt. I feel I have to work even harder to let so many misdirected men know there can be a better world.

I can't control her and she is bitter to accept guidance. The same guidance she expects others to accept from her. I feel she is abusive in a way. Emotionally abusive. The kind that is direct and on point one day and chaotic and poorly presented the next. It's not knowing what to trust. The lack of consistency. A beast with selfish agendas that overly focuses on the negative and is shaming then becomes an overly sympathic mother. We don't even talk on a regular basis. She is late all the time (role modeling) she makes crass comments (role modeling) she makes fun of others weaknesses (role modeling) she is disruptive in group (role modeling). How can I correct the guys for their behavior when she is the instigator. So I have to let it go. I have to say nothing or else I would be correcting her in front of the group which isn't professionally appropriate. Okay that's enough. You know what I really hate. Giving her the time of my emotions.

Make sure each footprint leaves seeds
to grow for others to enjoy
even if you are no longer there to see them


Always leave flowers under footsteps for others
never leave shards of glass
what we leave behind is important
and I am planting gardens as best I can