I was questioned the other day about my thoughts regarding the difficulty of the GRE. I mentioned without a flinch that I kicked ass on the math and analytical parts, but suffered dearly on the verbal. I proceeded still unhindered to say I should have pursued my math side, perhaps engineering or something and I would be making a lot more money. I continued as though I had no options writing, "humanitarians are shit on". *click* and send.

These thoughts have crossed my mind often as people quiver over a fear of socialism, boycott shopping for christmas and start reading books on growing their own food. We definitely live in a society where worth is measured by the size of your pay check. If you make LOTS of money, you must be working hard and have made good choices in life. If you don't make lots of money, well, it's your own fault for not working hard enough or making choices that didn't land you in those top/high paying positions.

.....as people quiver over the fear of socialism. I don't measure worth that way and never have. I've always admired intensely the work of a laboreror, as without his/her hands and muscles, what would we have really? Those people who show up to dunkin donuts every morning at 3am so they can have all your coffee and donuts ready for when drive your lincoln to the bank. Those AMAZING people that work the all night shift at a gas station. The people who clean up the streets, who plow our snowy roads, who trim back the trees, who put roofs on our houses, who help us pick up and move so many heavy things......

Many of these people do this work, long days, for years and years just scraping by. Why? We NEED them. I believe anyone willing to put in the hours and effort of work deserve to do well for themselves. The deserve to be able to buy a nice house, land, vacation every year and go to a salon to get their hair done if they choose.

I do write this with some bitter taste. As I am one of those who DID go to college, who DID receive a master's degree, who DOES work hard and in fact works TWO jobs and extra hours when I can and REALITY... I have to plan for all my pennies and do without. Why is MY worth measured so poorly? Humanitarians are shit on. Some where along the way it was decided by others that my profession isn't worth much. See, I could have been an engineer! My brother is and he makes 4 times the money as me. I have no savings or retirement plans, plenty of debt and really, really can't see affording going back to school as I'm still (10 years later) paying for my last education. Funny how colleges do seem to put the same worth on all paths.

I don't fear socialism. But I do fear people isolating in absurd wealth.

oh what a feeling

The 15 year old girl who first says she wants counseling. Then I find out later, that two weeks in she didn't want to go anymore. Her dad was forcing the issue for awhile till he gave up, calling to say she would no longer be in. I told him I would check back in two weeks to see if that is still what she decided.

So I called, as I promised and this time got to speak to the girl. I now learn that she says she may want another counselor. This is one of those moments of illusionary reflection as you replay your experience with her trying to find the signal that it wasn't working. I'm a professional, so I ask. "Sure we could find another counselor, but what is it you would need in a counselor so we can find the right match." She describes wanting to talk about "whatever", no planned topics, playing games, walking around, no pressure to talk about things. Well, okay, I can do that...it's not really therapy, but I'm also well trained in being a mentor, or big sister soooo..... I tell her, "it sounds sort of like what we were doing", and I could certainly support her even more in that style if it is what she would like. She agrees to come in next week.

And now, this strange feeling. Did I do something wrong? Have I just coerced her to continue in therapy....I certainly didn't mean to. I hope she doesn't think I was pushy..it's an awkward situation for both of us. I really hope she does make it in next week so we can discuss this more....or not...she will control the conversation....It feels weird to be "fired" from a client when you think everything is going well. But I suppose in the long run it can feel even better if we work this out and she gets what she needs by coming in. I do think that can happen. Some people really want to "work" in therapy. They want direction, assignments, bold statements. Others don't. She was sexually abused as a younger child. She wants control back. I can do that for her. It will feel weird, until it doesn't anymore. I'll probably dismiss it by tomorrow, then re-think of it only as the time approached for her to arrive next week. She is a bold 15 year old girl. Doing the absolute right thing by asking for what she wants. If only I was so bold at 15.

A very challenging client in a group just graduated last night! Phewww! I didn't realize until group was over how much emotional space he took up. He had perfect attendance, so we have not had a break since he first arrived. I found myself saying things like, "well now that ** is gone, I can finally confront ###(other client) with ______." I didn't mean to say those things, but it kept coming out again and again as a co-facilitator and I were discussing the progress and needs of other groups members. Suddenly I realized so much of my emotional energy was on just maintaining the group with his presence, that I wasn't able to use energy to progess the group.....phewww.

I'm very curious of how this group may look different now and feel different. Groups are such living, breathing creatures. Each one is different as the recipe of the participants create the life. It is constant learning and adjusting on the part of the facilitators, but luckily for me, I believe it is one of my strong points. Well, now that ** is gone, I can finally #####....phew!

The "S" word

Last winter felt brutal for me. Not the cold. It was the massive snow accumulation. It was my first winter in this cottage in the woods and we did not bother with a snow blower purchase or the hire out of any plow people. We worked loyally at taming every snow flake to keep a clear driveway, shoveling 5 times a day at times. As the winter was a mere half way, one shovel lost it's will to survive and finally caved. The piles on the side of the house grew taller added to the snow fall off the roof and we were slowly being swallowed alive by the power of many flakes working together. We had to begin shoveling out our windows so the sun light could still visit and the walls on either side of the driveway were so tall and so narrow that our two lane parking area became barely one. Opening a car door on either side meant hitting a snow wall, then slinking out side ways of small doorway opening. I'd have to put one hand on the car as my feet had to walk at an angle up the banks till I could make my way to the front of the car where I would likely then slip on an ice patch. Only to get inside to hear the sound of the woodstove and a news report that another storm was on the way. This went on and on and on, with spring seeming a dream that would never arrive.

Summer came so late this year as the usual summer months were filled with so much rain there was always an excuse to not to work in the yard. It wasn't long before the driveway was half washed out. We had that repaired just in time for some beautiful late days of summer that we all chewed into as though sun starved.

Now in the mid fall, just the end of October I begin to hear it. "It's gonna snow tomorrow"....my head whipping around to this instigator, eyes piercing and voice stern...."do not say the "S" word".

Well said or not, the snow has said hello this morning. Just a gentle white covering that likely won't last long. Or at least that's what I thought last year as one snow storm would stick around to party with the next storm and so on and so on and so on.....

This year I'm armed with snow shoes, we'll buy a new shovel, some good sleds, knew snow boots and hopefully a snow blower. I'll visit the spa and soak in steam and hot tubs. Perhaps I'm still a little haunted by the "S" word, but I'm more prepared. I'll be having to send my motorcycle off to sleep and just enjoy as always, the ever changing landscape........life!

A 10 minute snooze,
just a bit more before I climb downstairs to see the kitten,
the dog,
the lights out
and a half pot of coffee still warming.

Just some internet time,
a look at this page,
at that one,
is anyone waiting for me there?

Just a coffee or two,
with a pumkin spice creamer,
my mouth gets more holiday time than the rest of me.
A few more minutes just for me,
before I drive through the frost
and arrive with expectations of knowledge and greatness.
Before I'm the one that has to nuture, educate and tame.

Well Well Well little Sunflower

Oh there you are. I have re-clicked this adventure due to my friend sending me her own blog endeavor via the same blogger site. So we can now journey together sort of.

Gee my former postings were quite emotional. It was quite a time for me, that is true. Oh how I remember and forget it so well. Regret? That is a silly choice of life. Without our experiences we are without so I just decided to enjoy them all. Better now? Who knows, what is better? Different, sure. My direction..... I've made so many mind shifts, ultimately a circle around to my true self. In periods of defined turmoil it is easy to feel lost, to question, to wonder an identity to scream "Why?" at the sky. And then at rest we don't necessarily feel any different.

My current battles are my mind, my beliefs. Circling around to self helped me see more my strengths and weaknesses and there are a few areas that could benefit from an adjustment. I'm going to hold them all close for now. I am powerful! And so are you............

What if the snow kept falling and didn't stop. The eternal ice age. We need variety. We need the warmth. We need variety. We need the snow.

So mixed between skin filled with left over anger and skin moving onto a next phase of being. I want to paint. Draw, design a life. Creatively. So why don't I. In a way I have, I do. It is often my way of presentation. But I need to do it with purity and not bitterness. No spite. Carefree has been effective at times. Then other times, carefree is careless and left open to abusers. I've resigned to not figuring things out. I just wish others did too.

Why do I get angry and annoyed at citing? Everyone wants there name next to a set of words as though they are the first ones to ever say them. There names next to a set of ideas as though they are the first ones to ever have them. I guess I just don't believe it's so. I don't believe we are so great to have grand ideas and fabulous sequences of words. I believe all the ideas and words were here long before we were. I believe we merely take turns remembering them, finding them, returning their voice. The credit is that of the Earth, or that of God for those that swing that way. All quotes, ideas, patents, copyrights don't really belong to any of us. The absurd profits made off such things make me nautious. Have I spelled that word correctly? I rarely do. It is a word I'm accustomed to experiencing, but somehow infrequently write correctly.

Correctly. Who gets to decide those terms?